I began to seek inner healing in the areas of grief after my mother’s sudden passing. After long consideration, with no money or insurance, I decided to give God a try. As a result, my most violent enemies, like the layering of an onion, are being uncovered and disarmed.
Keeping aggression at bay had become a struggle. Rage was like a landmine ready for an explosion at the pressing of the trigger. The recent events of my life coincidently led to a brutal battle for my inheritance thus unmasking issues of trust, fear, and abandonment. Foes once hidden to me, costumed beneath my protective armor of work, society, and addictions had become torturous. I was broken and had become dangerous. I became a carrier of cancerous cells infecting my environment. I took practical measures. I reduced drinking, laid aside all recreational drugs and began to work less. I was exhausted. I frequently lamented and began to seclude to seek peace, quiet, and refuge.
In the quiet, I would occasionally cry. Alone, I would attempt to weep; tears never streamed, but reluctantly eked out. I had become inhuman and miserable. The rage would well from within so I conceded, and yelled, and shouted in madness. I was in hell, and from my own determination; it was not of my own fault.
I began to pray again. Before this time, my typical prayer was “forgive me Father” when I did something outside of the norm of my regular debauchery. I knew God existed in thought; I respected Him and loved Jesus in word though my life was typically in shambles. Now, my mother had passed away, I had freshly begun a business venture while working fulltime in the bar industry and had just moved home after a peaceable eviction from my apartment. The picture began to come into focus.
During my beer and cigarette breaks I would walk and converse with God, I would read passages in the Bible; I would seek Him for council. Though my life was in upheaval, I knew I needed something more. Through my time with Him in the place of refuge and quiet I began to learn He listened and cared. He spoke in response to what He heard. Moreover, He knew, understood and liked me. The discovery of His awareness of me was healing unto itself. I am not orphaned, nor alone. Through spending time with Him, I learned I was loved by Him, and He wanted me to learn what it was to be His daughter. He was adopting me!
I quit my job after a year of grief, and three months in the discovery of my Father’s love, and began a journey to learn more. Though a significant era of my life had ended, the newest and possibly most significant had begun.