Mountain Top

Mountaintop – Part II: Discovery

I began to seek inner healing in the areas of grief after my mother’s sudden passing. After long consideration, with no money or insurance, I decided to give God a try. As a result, my most violent enemies, like the layering of an onion, are being uncovered and disarmed.

Keeping aggression at bay had become a struggle. Rage was like a landmine ready for an explosion at the pressing of the trigger. The recent events of my life coincidently led to a brutal battle for my inheritance thus unmasking issues of trust, fear, and abandonment. Foes once hidden to me, costumed beneath my protective armor of work, society, and addictions had become torturous. I was broken and had become dangerous. I became a carrier of cancerous cells infecting my environment. I took practical measures. I reduced drinking, laid aside all recreational drugs and began to work less. I was exhausted. I frequently lamented and began to seclude to seek peace, quiet, and refuge.

In the quiet, I would occasionally cry. Alone, I would attempt to weep; tears never streamed, but reluctantly eked out. I had become inhuman and miserable. The rage would well from within so I conceded, and yelled, and shouted in madness. I was in hell, and from my own determination; it was not of my own fault.

I began to pray again. Before this time, my typical prayer was “forgive me Father” when I did something outside of the norm of my regular debauchery. I knew God existed in thought; I respected Him and loved Jesus in word though my life was typically in shambles. Now, my mother had passed away, I had freshly begun a business venture while working fulltime in the bar industry and had just moved home after a peaceable eviction from my apartment. The picture began to come into focus.

During my beer and cigarette breaks I would walk and converse with God, I would read passages in the Bible; I would seek Him for council. Though my life was in upheaval, I knew I needed something more. Through my time with Him in the place of refuge and quiet I began to learn He listened and cared. He spoke in response to what He heard. Moreover, He knew, understood and liked me. The discovery of His awareness of me was healing unto itself. I am not orphaned, nor alone. Through spending time with Him, I learned I was loved by Him, and He wanted me to learn what it was to be His daughter. He was adopting me!

I quit my job after a year of grief, and three months in the discovery of my Father’s love, and began a journey to learn more. Though a significant era of my life had ended, the newest and possibly most significant had begun.

 

Kwjuana Thomas

Mountain Top

Mountaintop Experiences – Part I: Becoming

Mountain Top

I am changing and moving. Leaving everything behind, it is not easy. However, I have decided to follow life and truth along this new way. I have chosen not to be burdened. I am casting my every care, concern and all heaviness. The substance of my life, as I had previously known it, seems to have been thrust into what I can best describe as a continuous upheaval. It has been shaken, broken and devastated. It has become rubbish. The foundation of people, places values and ideas on which my life was built has become incrementally and permanently altered. Before rebuilding could begin, I opted for total demolition.

I have decided to surrender to the process of the moves of the Spirit and no longer attempt to grasp hold of what I can save, but change the positioning of my hands and my arms and rather embrace the immanence of the change brought forth by destruction. No more striving. I will rest and float on the winds. Destruction has become my footstool; thus my head is lifted.

I am becoming a new creature and allowing the truth of my circumstances to wash over me. I understand that because a thing is true does not qualify that thing as truth. I have chosen not to fall apart, but arise anew, carefully and prayerfully, selecting truth in love, in faith, in strength and with a refreshed character. I am being reconstructed and fused together by a great fire. The times of pain yield refreshment, restoration and renewal. For, the new creature is derived from the source of creation: life, light and truth.

In spite of the struggles and through the pains I have decided to rest, to breathe, to hear. As I inhale, I wait and listen. I see and hear what the Spirit speaks to my inner being,” You are not at all who you have believed you were, but far greater. Arise.” The deception is being demolished. The way is being cleared for the genuine article. Thus, I’ve become light. As I wait, I listen and exhale. I am lifted to a place of peace and love. I am being transformed by light and love.

Love has been watching me. Love has heard my cries of agony. And He has come to my rescue. He has not abandoned me but receives me in His healing wings. He has extended an invitation to become like Him. The boundless creator has requested my presence. My eyes, ears and heart have begun to receive pure light resulting in my decision to follow His Spirit where it leads.

I am changing. I am moving. I am leaving everything behind. Though my path is uncertain, I choose to trust the love. I move forward, laying down my agenda and allowing Him to rebuild from ashes and bring forth beauty; to produce Himself from within what was once barren and desolate. I am becoming new.

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Kwjuana Thomas

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