Break-Up Bullies

Break-Up Bullies: Why You Never Know Who You’re with…Until You Split

 

Definitely, being an introverted and highly analytical human has its advantages. On the one hand, we’re often thought to be neurotic over-thinkers who create problems when there are none. On the other hand, we’re often the only ones who can foresee the possibility of situations that seem perfectly fine in the present, going drastically downhill in the future. Namely, relationships.

…And then what??

Yeah, it’s all fun and games until “Prince Charming” cheats on you, or you find out that your little “Cinderella” was only seeking that happily ever after cash. Now what?! If you’re like most people, you ignore the negative aspects of your mate until you are forced to confront them. Thus, eventually leaving you with the rude awakening that your dream guy/gal was anything but.

You’ve likely seen them…or maybe you’ve even been there yourself; a couple seems all but perfect, then they break up and all of a sudden one or both of them is out for blood. They are cutting up clothing, bashing cars and reputations…seems counterintuitive for two people who supposedly love each other, no?

How Did We Get Here?

Well, this is a loaded question…there are a number of ways in which someone could go from a great relationship to a terrible breakup, but the bottom line is that you don’t know your ex-partner as well as you thought you did…

As aforementioned, people often ignore these negative traits for the sake of holding together their relationship. For example, if you go on a date with someone and they’re ridiculously rude to the wait staff, for no apparent reason…this is likely someone who has some character issues. Likewise, if you get into arguments with someone, and they throw every low blow at you they can muster up, this is likely someone who will try to ruin your life when your relationship is over.

Even more, often people don’t know how to let things go. If they planned on being with one person forever, some people might take their relationships for granted; lie, cheat, and steal, and still expect you to stay with them. On the flip-side, there are also people who can’t accept rejection and feel if you leave them, they have the right to ruin your life…because in their mind, you have purposely ruined theirs.

To take it a step further, many will attempt to shame you publicly, hoping you will come back to them and try to make amends; calling jobs, friends, posting your indiscretions on social media…these are all ways to try to win you back. Sound stupid?? It is!

How Can This Be Prevented?!

Get to know people! Find out about their exes, and how the relationships ended. If someone is dragging all of their exes’ names through the mud, it’s not because they’re a blameless victim and you’re better than the rest of them. Rather, it’s usually because this person lashes out when they feel rejected and can’t take responsibility for his or her own actions.

The Breakup Bottom-line

Typically, breakups bring out the worst in people because they also have the potential to bring out the best in them. Those you love can illicit hate because in feeling that deeply for someone, you will suffer a great deal when forced to feel bereft of said feeling.

Furthermore, often times people choose relationships that are beneficial to them in many ways, and may never love anyone at all. These people are happy and agreeable as long as they’re getting their way. The arguments, fights, etc…pay attention to them.
If someone is overreacting about small things, expect the overreactions to be magnified when it’s truly lover.

Though maturity level plays a huge factor, the bottom-line is that many people seem to relish in the chance to hurt someone, they once loved.

 

Venus L

All About Love

Valentine’s Day 2015 finds me without a love of my own. No biggie, it’s been that way for years now. I’m pretty much cool with it. While most of the people my age are grandparents, I don’t even have a kid. I do have great memories of the roller coaster ride you sign up for when you fall in love.

If I ever run across somebody again I deem worthy of my most personal attention, I’ll fill out an application. If not, the big wheel keeps on turning. Love is life’s huge thing that is a key to happiness. I’m learning that being loved and giving love doesn’t have to pertain to a person.

The love of my life is comedy. Standing in front of people and trying to get them to laugh together. I want them to laugh hard and feel as good as I do when I laugh hard. As hard as I did while listening to early Bill Cosby albums when I was about 5. As hard as I howled watching early George Carlin in the Ed Sullivan show soon after.

I don’t necessarily want to make love to my audience-for me lovemaking is strictly a one on one operation. I want to love large groups of people into feeling better by laughing really, really hard. To where you can’t make any sounds or stop the tears rolling down your cheeks.

I had a really hard laugh recently watching The Simpsons. You know how they will cut in the middle of a scene and make a crazy left turn joke. Suddenly, I’m watching Al Jarreau on Al Jazeera singing about terrorists. After laughing long and hard you can’t help but feel better. The better you feel, the better decisions you make. The better the world becomes.

William Stephenson

The Overlooked Bond

The Overlooked Bond

 

One of the most undervalued relationships in our society is friendship. While, on an individual level, people appreciate their friends, in books and film friends tend to be sounding boards for the protagonists. Still even more than friends, the relationship between siblings seems to be overlooked most of all.

This isn’t at all the case with parents, possibly because our identities are shaped so much by who raised us. It truly is rare to find a book or movie dedicated to the relationship between siblings, which is one of the most complicated sorts of relationships. Essentially, you are raised with someone who is both a peer, and sometimes, an authority figure. This person could be your friend or not, but either way, they are, on some level, your equal. This person undergoes everything you experience as a child, or at the very least, bears witness. On account of this, there is an understanding about what makes you who you are, and where some of your quirks come from because they have seen your personal history.

I am blessed with 3 siblings. My eldest brother doted on me, always finding a spot on his bicycle that I could sit on and he sang made up songs about us to my sister, brother, and I. He is a natural performer and phone calls with him are like free comedy shows.

My sister invented a whole set of characters that my other brother and I, absolutely transfixed, would interact with for hours. She invented a story called, “The Enchanted Forest,” which guaranteed the three of us were never bored. The goofy brilliance she had as a child, fortunately, never left her, and even now, as adults, we spend a lot of our time laughing our makeup off and getting strange looks from our parents and strangers for inventing odd voices and stories. She never leaves the house without drawing some sort of tragically demented cartoon on the backs of junk mail.

My last brother, only three years my senior, put up with my endless bullying with a zen-like quality I have yet to find in another human being. He, too, would invent games for us to play for hours, which would always distract us from what was going on around us, sometimes to the chagrin of our parents. His boundless kindness was summed up one time when he won a cookie at school and saved it all day to share with me as I was still at home at the time. He was so excited that he ran home, and, on the final step into our house, tripped and broke the cookie everywhere. He instantly burst into tears because he had been so excited to share it with me.

There are no words that could do justice to how much these three weirdos have enriched my life and made me a more interesting, happier person. My family is something I am always grateful for, even in the hardest of times. Well done, Mom and Dad, you’ve done good.

Micaela Gardner

Grief Transformed

 

Last November, I had to euthanize my childhood cat of 17 years. Even though I was blessed with having so much quality, loving time with her, I was obviously heartbroken.

In January, I began to take notice of a stray that sometimes lived in our backyard since we moved in about 5 years ago. She was clearly old with matted yellow fur and perpetual purple eye snot that looked like tired eye sacks. Her celery green eyes held untold stories about a life of devastating hardship and survival. We already have 5 cats, so I began to approach her with extra food, which she gladly accepted after warily eyeing my retreat many yards away.

A month or so in, I named her “Helen.” Though I didn’t realize it at the time, this was the moment I began to give her a real identity and care much more deeply for her. It was astonishing how quickly she became a part of our household. She spent all of her time sunning herself in our backyard laying near our other cats, her ribs disappearing, her confidence rising and her eyes, for the first time, filled with hope.

She made me a better person.

It could easily be said that she is merely a cat, but by forcing myself to be patient, to consider a creature I hadn’t previously thought of except in passing, I had pulled myself out of myself and my grief. Being the youngest in my family with a serious health condition, I am used to being nurtured and waited on, and had rarely done so for another being. Learning to nurture has been one of the most important lessons I’ve had to date.

Everyone needs a Helen. Everyone deserves a Helen. The symbiosis of caring for something, in return, widens and deepens one as a human being. One cannot obviously fix all of the world’s problems or even many other creatures, but experiencing the joy of seeing a being flourish by helping in even the smallest way possible is a wonderful feeling.

In March, I found out I was going to be an aunt again. My sister, one of my best friends and all-around favorite people, is having her first baby next month. Her name is Roxana (“Roxie”) and we already love her. As crazy as it sounds, I believe that my wheezy, sleepy old cat friend has helped prepare me for taking care of my niece by igniting patience and kindness within me.

Helen still has an arthritic walk. Her shoulder bones are still sunken from age, and she is still frightened of strangers. Yet every morning, before I have a chance to pour myself a mug of coffee, she is standing outside the door, expecting an enormous breakfast like the diva she has become.

Because she is worth it.

Micaela Gardner

Love or Lust

Love or Lust: The Irrefutable Difference

 

It’s no secret, we live in an over-sexualized society. Gone are the days in which modesty and mystique are considered commodities, and instead we’ve virtually replaced every conceivable trace of these traits with exhibitionism and the boldness of conceit. Is there any room left for true love?!

Save Room…

Of course, there’s still room for love! Though true stories of its existence are more scarce than virgins these days, it still lives, I assure you! On the flip side, in a world in which everyone seems to have a secret agenda, how do you know when you’ve finally found the real thing? It’s really quite simple…

Time and Attention!

You’ve heard the stories many times before: “happily” married couple barely spends time together on their anniversary. The kids are fed, the house is huge and spotless…but where is the love?! Love is disguised as time! Think about it…time is the only thing you can’t get back! We have a whole generation who are fixated on this notion for this very reason. We often pay much more for things if they save us even the tiniest bit of time. It can’t be faked or changed, time just is! It’s no wonder that many couples come together or fall apart depending on the amount of time they spend with one another.

Busy Bees…

We live in a culture that takes pride in being too busy for most everything. “No time to sit and eat, there’s a game on!” or “No time to help others, I need help myself!” You have likely thought or said similar statements many times. Yet, does this mean there’s no time to love?! Absolutely not! This merely means that unless you love, there is no time…for anyone. I mean, there’s always something to do…even if it’s seemingly nothing to others.

So…the Difference is…??

Lust is superficial; which can be driven by aesthetics, financial/social status, or even as a means to boost one’s own esteem. It can last days, weeks, or years…but never make the mistake of believing that lust automatically turns into love after a certain amount of time. On the flip side, love is driven by your heart that is, the need to love, be loved, understood, empathized with, etc. When someone really loves you, they will always make time for you.

Sure, people get busy…but if Jay-Z and Beyonce can find time to spend with one another, please know that Joe Schmo, who works at the deli, can find time as well. Not to be seen with you, or to spend your money, or explore your body…but because they want to be with you! When you’re in love, you can sit in the park, hospital, living room…wherever, and you’ll always be happy! Not checking your watch or messages every two minutes (unless of course you’re a doctor), simply being present in the moment. Hanging on to this person’s every word and gesture because at that moment nothing else matters…

The Bottom Line

There are no hard and fast rules in relationships these days. Indeed, most are fictitious connections that are over before beginning. People make time for whatever they wish; time for sex, money, and other things that benefit them. However, will they listen to your troubles, help with your dreams, and assist you in planning for the future?? If not…they are likely only planning to be around until the present (namely, you!) no longer suits them.

Venus L

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