A comic friend recently posted a Yelp comment that had my name in it. The complaint is most likely due to a thing that happened in a comedy club. A woman came into the show about 20 minutes late and sat in the front row. She starts out wrong twice. As the host, I engage members of the audience at the beginning of the show and I naturally inquired why she was late and mentioned some things I had learned about others.

The initial exchange was fine. I joked about where she was from (Houston) and how New Yorkers had changed the pronunciation to Howston. Midway through the show I overhear a waitress outside the showroom at the bar talking about a customer who hadn’t ordered any drinks. She said she tried to explain that there was a two drink minimum and got waved off. This was the lady from Houston.

When she went back a second time, the Houston lady rudely told her that she was enjoying the show and wanted to see the manager. The waitress asked her to come out of the showroom to speak to the manager because of the front row location and gets waved off again. The show continues but out of the corner of my eye I see the manager creep up to the woman and quietly try to get the woman to come out to the bar and talk about the situation. He gets waved off. Now, I have to deal with her.

“I see you don’t have any drinks at your table.”

This was the opening salvo in the exchange that prompted the Yelp comment that I had been rude. I told her there was a two drink minimum.

“So I hear.”

Oh no, miss thing this isn’t something you heard, it’s a fucking fact! I broke it down and let her know that she would be charged for two drinks so she might as well order them. I told her it didn’t have to be alcohol, it could be coffee, juice or soda. This tightened her jaws nicely and I introduced the next act and went outside for a cig.

When I came back, the woman had her coat on by the bar talking about how rude everybody was. In the words of every 7-year-old in the world―she started it.

William Stephenson

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