Motives of the Heart
Growing up, I hated children, was bitterly angry and without patience. Anything which stood against what I intended for myself immediately became an enemy I sought to shame and assault. Maturing into womanhood, those characteristics posed significant challenges in dating, the workplace and interpersonal relationships. They also bound my spirit and stifled my ability to understand things of the spirit.
Undergoing healing, deliverance and conversion of heart has drawn out a more patient person; I have peacefully tolerated children and the childlike and have begun to consider others: positive change in my life can positively affect and influence those around me. I have expanded my borders to help people in need; I even have a dog. Overall, I believe I have become a kinder, gentler more loving version of myself. I am by no means perfect. And I don’t help because I am great, but because I can. I go beyond because those I am assisting are worthy of love.
All of these changes are great! I like the way I feel about myself and others and am far more accepting of people, positive or negative. I can honestly say, “I love God and I love myself,” I love myself because He loves me. It has not been difficult for me to transition into these changes. My behavior has not been modified, nor have I been beaten with rods. I simply decided I no longer wanted to be in pain and I needed love. So, I made it my business to find, receive and bring love and healing to myself and others. As a result of choosing love things about me changed, effortlessly. What I am learning is though I made a conscious decision to trade: sorrow, pain, mourning, rejection, abandonment, isolation and hatred – and suddenly had room for love, life, joy and self-acceptance. Others are still learning to do this.
The challenge with great change and progression is although I have chosen to walk in the light and be salt; there will always be those around who have not chosen to do so. Therein lays a definite battle. The old saying, “Misery loves company,” applies here. Of late, my greatest opposition has been those who are being healed, are not aware of areas of hidden pain and are acting from those places. They seem to be the proverbial red spot on my white cashmere. As a result, I have received additional healing to be able to function in an environment where others are in pain and miserable. So I have chosen to receive, additional measures of healing in order to walk in a loving manner with those who are not experiencing liberty.
I have resolved to continue in the way of love and not introduce shame into these situations. Although my feelings have been hurt at times, I get it. There is no need to fight or argue. The way of love can only be caught, not taught.