Part 4: Believing
When I decided to leave the industry and all I could produce, I did it because I believed somehow there was something better for me. Although I had no knowledge of what that “something” was, I was determined to locate it. I was willing to do anything to have more, but I knew material was not the answer. I needed something sustainable to life. I needed to be healed of the brokenness; patches were not going to work. I needed something I could not lose.
I no longer believed in material or man because as my mother lay dying, neither man nor his materials could do nothing for her. I knew there was more, I began to believe, “If I choose to live a life seeking only what man can provide, I will be short changed and I’m not going out like that.”
When I look back, I never once blamed God for my mother’s death. I knew the death of her body was a direct result of man’s error. I suppose, it is that reason I ran to God. I didn’t believe He was capable of error. Though initially, a 1-2-3 solution to the grief and anger would have been ideal, I had no energy or resources to pursue that brand of counsel. I believed He was free, available always, and capable. I believed He could help. When I went to Him, I went honestly. Sometimes, I said nothing, I just groaned and cried. Nevertheless, He met me.
Over time, I began to see the ability to believe as a gifted vehicle to move from one place to another. I believed I could quit my job and eventually, I would know what to do after. I had no plan. I baked for a while (this is another story) with no long term plan. But overall, I knew if I took the first step and quit my job, the next step would be revealed in time. I was willing to try it because I knew what I was doing profited me nothing and I had absolutely nothing to lose.
As a result of taking the first step, I have received a new identity; my self-worth is no longer derived from what other people think or what I can produce for myself. Rather, my value system comes from the loving acceptance of my Heavenly Father; it is like a spring irrigating my soul. I’m like a tree planted by water. I am bearing the fruits of the love He has given me and I have received for myself. My life has been totally changed. I choose to believe everything He says, even when I do not understand. As I seek Him, the worldly blinders so strategically placed before my eyes, melt in the light of His truth, acceptance and love. My perspective is vaster and I have obtained greater clarity.
I believed there was better for me. I took courage and pursued it. Now, I have purpose, perspective and renewed life.